He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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