My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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