im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
