I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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