Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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