ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
