It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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