Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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