ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
