the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
