I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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