I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
