I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
