Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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