this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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