As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
