I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
