I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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