I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
