please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
