my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
