Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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