last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
