which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
