I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
