I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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