i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
