Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You work out of a Hotel?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
