I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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