At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize