I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
