He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You are a genius and a whore.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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