LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
