I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You took a bar mat shot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
