i wish starbucks made bloody marys
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
