Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
