I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
