Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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