Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
