This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
