Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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