Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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