I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
