call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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