Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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