Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
