I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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