Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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