I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
