we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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