You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
