I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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