Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
