JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
